Sacred Partnership — FANOS
A few years ago, I realised my husband and I were having the same argument on repeat. The topic didn’t seem to matter — whenever emotions ran high, a familiar pattern would take over. Sometimes, it even felt like we were speaking completely different languages…
You get emotional and feel the need to express everything that's been building up inside, while your partner shuts down and says something like, — “I don’t want to talk about it”.
—Sounds familiar?
Where do you go from there? Things are left unsaid and you feel like a massive ball got stuck in your chest… not a nice feeling.
Women are meant to share emotions, express them with our voice, cry, rage, shakes, movement. Men are different…They usually get mad drop a few f*cks and after 30 minutes all is good, like the storm just passed.
…What?
Maybe they don’t get it or you don’t get it. Maybe you don’t know what to do next. And then... eventually things settle into harmony again — until the next argument. It can feel exhausting and hopeless!
I felt like that many times…
That’s when our couple’s therapist introduced us to FANOS — one of the first tools that truly helped us create a more loving and lasting relationship. Honestly, I think this could work for families too. Maybe give it a try and see how it feels for you.
Redwood forest, we love exploring nature.
(The below text is taken from “Shattered Vows” by Debra Laaser, ps. 184-186)
FANOS couples sharing exercise is an acronym derived from a Greek word meaning “to shed light on” or “to bring to light.” It provides a way for a couples to connect emotionally and to build intimacy (intimacy = “into me you see” and you accept me anyways).
Each letter of the acronym represents a subject you will talk about together:
FEELINGS: Share with your partner a feeling you have. (You may use the Emotional Wheel graphic to help you identify feelings. Get the free download here).
AFFIRMATIONS: Affirm your partner for something she has done.
NEEDS: State a need you have today (not necessarily one that must be met by your partner).
OWNERSHIP: Take responsibility and apologise for something you have said or done.
STRUGGLES: Here you have an opportunity to tell your partner the status of your struggles (emotional struggles, work, relationships, etc.). Be specific but not graphic.
Your partner also has the opportunity to check in regarding something he/she struggles with and works on (emotions, overeating, raging, criticising, obsessing about, checking on you, withdrawing, etc.).
One of you will begin the check-in and run through the entire FANOS; then the other will do the same. Talking through the entire FANOS should take no longer than a few minutes, but it gives you both a opportunity to share what you are thinking, feeling, and doing on your journey toward healing.
When you share your FANOS, it is important that the other person provide a safe environment. Their role is simply to listen, not really give feedback. (I’ll be honest, at first can be hard to not answer back or give advice)
When sharing your FANOS, it is important to maintain eye contact with the person with whom you are sharing it. Eye contact may feel uncomfortable at first, but will eventually become comfortable. This is part of the benefit of this exercise.
If you do the exercise with your wife or partner, remember not to give feedback. Do not criticise, correct, or shame one another. Simply listen to each other and know that the goal of this exercise is to build intimacy into the relationship. Also agree not to talk about the FANOS for 48 hours after it has been shared. The key is to create safety in the sharing time.
Mt Shasta, adventure is our vibe.
Here is an example of FANOS from a partner:
FEELINGS: I’m a little scared but hopeful. I often feel fear thinking about whether you are taking my feelings seriously. I’m worried that you will one day ignore me again.
AFFIRMATIONS: I want to acknowledge and thank you for doing the dishes today.
NEEDS: I need recognition from my boss that I helped solve a problem for the company last week. I took a big risk to be honest and report some inappropriate conduct, and I recognise I want to be thanked.
OWNERSHIP: I take ownership over my financial issues with spending. I recognise that you desire to save for our future and that my spending has often harmed us financially. I am sorry and I am trying to work on balance.
STRUGGLES: I’ve practiced healthy eating habits all day. While I have occasional periods of desiring unhealthy foods, I’m making progress in being more honest about how I’ve used food to cope with my feelings.
Ready to try it?
The best outcome of trying the FANOS exercise? Better communication with your partner.
Could it work with your child too? Absolutely. It’s a beautiful way to acknowledge your child’s emotions and give them a powerful tool they can use throughout their life.
Download the free PDF and keep it handy for when you need it most.
